At Home In The Clouds

I've been playing this all morning. God damn it's a great song.

All Time Low (with Juliet Simms) - "Remembering Sunday"

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes

Started making his way past two in the morning

He hasn't been sober for days.

Leaning now, into the breeze

Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees

They had breakfast together

But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs.

Now this place seems familiar to him

She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin

She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs

Left him dying to get in.

Forgive me, I'm trying to find

My calling, I'm calling at night

I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?

She's been running through my dreams

And it's driving me crazy it seems

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

And even though she doesn't believe in love

He's determined to call her bluff

Who could deny these butterflies?

They're filling his gut.

Waking the neighbours, unfamiliar faces

He pleads oh he tries

But he's only denied

Now he's dying to get inside.

Forgive me, I'm trying to find

My calling, I'm calling at night

I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?

She's been running through my dreams

And it's driving me crazy it seems

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

The neighbours said she moved away

Funny how it rained all day

I didn't think much of it then

But it's starting to all make sense.

Oh, I can see now

That all of these clouds are

Following me in my desperate endeavour

To find my whoever, wherever she may be.

I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible

I'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me

I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt

Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair

And out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world

So many thousands of feet off the ground

I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds

Towering over your head

Well I guess I'll go home now

I guess I'll go home now

I guess I'll go home now

I guess I'll go home.

Ethan..

Happiness, Part II.

Ethan Claus..

Dinosaurs.

aNew

✭

Take

To the

streets;

That turn

you never took.

Take what you can

get, Leave what you

could never have. Take the

memories, long since made.

Always, Always

Break, Break the mirrors, Break the

rules and the stigmas. Leave every unhappy

feeling behind. Break the barriers keeping you

in; This long, long life. This opportunity. This joy.

Always, Always

Run, Run, Run. As fast as you can. Run to daylight,

Reach for the white castles of clouds; That's the magic of the

horizon. Run on empty. Run, but never hide; You'll never need

a moment in darkness. A moment alone. A moment unwanted.

Always, Always

Make your:

Own luck.

Own fun.

Mistakes.

Make. Life.

Always

This was inspired by You Me At Six's "Always Attract". I've been tinkering with this for a while. Probably will continue tinkering...

Merry Christmas + Happy New Year

For Ethan..

Everything and Nothing.

An old man rises from his bus stop seat.

He drops his cane, sighs, and places his battered suitcase on the curb.

He takes off his brown bowler's hat, brushes some dirt from it's rim, then lets it fall onto the ground.

He looks down the street.

And begins to run.

Enchanted.

Words

These are some phrases that I would like to have reason to say at some point in my life. I will try and update it as I think of them. Here are just a few:

"There can be no mistakes this time."

"To the museum at once!"

"Pull yourself together man!" - This will be spoken in a pompous English accent, not like a teenage mutant ninja turtle. And hopefully I will have a glove to slap the person.

"Mother of God."

"A duel it is then."

"Where is the rebel base?"

"Sweet fancy moses." :-)

To be continued...

Ethan..

Perhaps Another Branch of Solipsism

How do you know if you are actually feeling something, or if you're just kidding yourself?

How do you know?

Is anything real?

Or is everything just what we want to feel, or think we should be feeling?

Maybe every feeling is real?

Can we control it?

Or are we slaves to our feelings?

I'm thinking maybe all bad feelings come under the "just kidding yourself" category.

Every nice feeling that provides happiness, love, confidence, optimism, or peace, are real.

Reality. Check.

Ethan..

A Nice Bath

These songs are making me happy, and it's weird, as most are quite sad. Check them out. I'm liking them. These are just a few parts that I think are poetically or musically brilliant.

1. Jealous Minds Think Alike - You Me At Six

"You can be the ghost in my hall

You can be the smile I don't want

I will be the fly on your wall

You will be the distance in between

You can be everything I need

You can be the girl I don't call"

2. The Plot to Bomb the Panhandle - A Day to Remember

"I'm looking down at this mess that you've made

And I can't believe that I stayed

So unhappy for so long

Where did I go wrong?

I've got to get out of this

My hand is on the handle

We're leaving everything behind

Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll make my stand

Right here, with my friends"

3. By All Accounts (Today Was A Disaster) - Emery

"How long until (must I always remember all that I want to forget?)

These broken animals

Useless as they are

These broken animals

As useless as they are"

4. Because I Could Not Stop Death - After the Tragedy

(The song You Better Be Alone is also awesome, and Roses in the Fence, and Chateau D'If.)

"Your words were salubrious

Your eyes were always warming

Your love was perennial

Your heart was always growing

The day the light escaped your eyes

I wish I'd been by your side

Because I could not stop death"

5. The Missing Page - This Providence

"I never wanted us to be like this

I never dreamed of anything but gave you a kiss

I'm trying to find a way out of this mess

But I guess we gotta save ourselves"

I'm not sure if these are the lyrics, but if they aren't - they should be.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" - Berthold Auerbach

Clean Ethan..

Frankenstein's Monster

My stomach's an empty stone.

My muscles are tangled wires.

I know that I'll feel it again;

The machine still works.

If it were truly broken,

I wouldn't hear the clanking,

Or feel the grinding.

I can't decide whether I miss the drug,

Or the addiction.

I know I hate the recovery;

The hollow-space never needed me.

But even now I can smile and laugh.

I keep telling myself:

It is as it should be,

It's for the best.

And so even now I can smile and laugh.

That's determination for you:

Truly believing the end will come,

Even if you don't know when.

Especially.

I try and relax my tangled wires.

I remind myself. I remember.

Close my swollen eyes and listen;

The clanking and the grinding,

Will stop before I do.

Ethanstein..

Amber Pacific - "Poetically Pathetic"

I have realised that I struggle to write anything poetic. By that, I mean that when I am trying to write something poetic about a person or situation, I find that I can only write exactly what I'm feeling. Especially when I am really passionate or excited about something. Or if I'm sad about something.

I tried writing something for my uncle who died fairly recently. But then it began to include my grandma, and pretty much everyone else in my life who had died. And it's just so bland and simple. I hate it's simplicity, but for the life of me, I can't find a way to dramatise or embellish it - I can't make it as beautiful as it should be.

Ethan..

On Letting Go... Part II

There is nothing good about goodbyes.

"Here I Go Again... Whitesnake"

I miss the cold.

I love waking up on holidays in some foreign place, and looking out the window at snow-capped mountains. I actually really like mountains. When I went to New Zealand, planning to spend a few months as a plucky 17-year-old working and travelling, and my friend had to come home, it was those mountains that made me stay. The trees. Probably pines. Doesn't matter. They would sweep and lean together, catching the unique snowflakes everyone raves about, holding them close, so close that they join.

I miss the cold. And the mountains.

I have only just realised that I have often envisioned myself traipsing through cold, jagged mountains. Alone. But the image itself hasn't really made me sad. It almost feels like fact. I don't know why. It'd be much better with a Samwise. But I could do it alone, I know.

I miss the cold.

I miss the bite of the wind, clawing and searching, trying to find a gap in my coat so it can flow through my skin and slow my blood. I miss opening my jacket, just for a moment, and letting the cold in. It was like coming back to life. But I didn't have to die.

I miss closing my eyes and feeling like I was in a cloud. Everyone thinks being in a cloud would be like being in a soft bed. I really don't think so. I think it'd be as comforting (for me), but it would be cold. And turbulent. It was so peaceful.

I miss the cold. And the mountains. And the turbulent peace.

Ethan Frost..

Inspiration

I don't believe there is anything more inspiring, than losing one's muse.

Ethan..

All It Takes Is A Thimble

I have already said that I love learning new things. Some things are awesome, like how scientists have developed a laser that is over a million times brighter than sunshine (yes, we are one step closer to a death star). Some are insane, like how the ocean's salt could cover the entire land mass of the earth 500 feet deep. Some are fun, like how a polar bear can run at 25 miles an hour and can jump over six feet high. Some are funny, like how people accidentally eat approximately 430 bugs per year. Some are neither awesome, insane, fun, or funny, like when you learn that you are out of milo. But I really like these ridiculous facts about the world. The funniest thing is that not only do they interest me incredibly, but they seem to make sense to me.

I have recently discovered (not from personal experimentation) that a thimbleful of neutron star would weigh over 100 million tonnes.

I like to think that ideas and beliefs (and love - which I think is a sort of blend of ideas and beliefs) are like a neutron star - even the tiniest ones have so much potential, so much gravity - and could truly change the world.

Thimbleful-of-Ethan..

Makes The World Go Round

I like the idea that the only thing holding the world, and indeed the universe together, is the telling of stories from one person to another. Even if this isn't physically true, I believe that it is metaphorical fact.

If there weren't any stories, there would be no invention, no religion, no leisure - no interest in the world whatsoever.

There is something primordial about telling and listening to stories.

We all tell them. We all hear them. We all love them.

And life wouldn't be living without them.

Fabulist Ethan..

Isn't It Ironic?

Prepare thyself. I am about to complain about complaining.

I don't like complaining.

See. I told you.

Actually... I am quite confused about complaining. On one hand, I like that I can be someone's confidant. On the other, it can be incredibly consuming and draining to have people continuously point out the world's faults. I think that's it - the regularity, the ongoing persistence.

But I am not saying that it is not ok to complain. Far from it. Complaining is basically just a negative expression of opinion. And opinion is what makes people unique. But it is the continuous flow that gets to you. So have your say, shed your negative thoughts, and try with all of your heart to brighten.

There. See? I feel better now. I have crawled from my hole and am happy once more. Follow, people. Follow.

Breathing Ethan..

"A Portion of Myself"

(Actually it's "a portion of thyself"... - Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I think I am also like a Bowerbird.

I am a very simple creature.

The male Bowerbirds have a curious method of attracting mates; the male Bowerbird will construct a nest out of sticks and litter the nest with brightly coloured objects - usually blue. They collect bits of plastic, feathers, berries, coins, nails, glass and even rifle shells. The male Bowerbird will spend hours rearranging his treasures, trying to make it just right for his potential mate.

I love this. I love how this little guy will collect meagre artifacts of crap and spend hours rearranging them to make it look good. I am like this. I'll find, make or buy pitiful symbols of my love and scatter them around the people important to me (I think this is also a dog thing as per previous blog entry). I have found that this gets me into trouble also. I was once told that the recipient felt like I had a hidden agenda.

:-)

No. :-) I am just a stupid dog/Bowerbird. I give these stupid things as a simple gesture of my love. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just smile and be thankful. (Yes, like a dog) I am happy when I see that I have made you happy. That's probably the most important thing to me.

Thanks for the little piece of sprite bottle Ethan.. :-)

The Dog Is Me

I am amazed at how animalistic I am. I think everyone is animalistic, but my animal makes it more obvious to me. I have the personality of a dog - in every way. I'd like to say that I was a wolf. Wolves are awesome and it'd be great if I were more independent and confident and fearsome and resilient. But I am a dog. I am incredibly protective, so much so that I think hairs on the back of my neck actually stand up when I feel threatened or defensive of someone. And I'm loyal.

These sound like such good qualities, but they get me into trouble very often. These qualities mean that I try to help the people I love, even if they don't want help, (maybe especially if they don't want my help) so I end up just making situations worse. It also means that if there is something wrong, I always place the blame on myself first, and put it upon myself to try and fix the problem. One day I think that I will be like poor Atlas. But it's my own fault.

I don't think I can change though. I don't think I want to. I like being a dog. I like being playful. I like how I tuck my tail between my legs when I know I'm in trouble (figuratively-speaking of course). I like that when I see someone in pain I go to them and try to make them feel better. But at the same time, I know I'm hard to bear.

Everyone is an animal, and everyone has good and bad qualities.

So try to find out what your animal is. It certainly helps to know who you are when you discover this animal personality.* And it is also interesting to see which animals are attracted to each other. But even if you find your animal, and know your good and bad qualities, don't be so determined to change them. You have to embrace them, and hope that the ones you love, love you because of these qualities, not in spite of them.

Mongrel Ethan..

*The His Dark Materials trilogy is based around this ideology. I ashamedly haven't read them yet. They are on my to-do list.

Vikings Shmikings

I had no idea just how awesome Native Americans were.

The bloodthirsty piratical marauders known as Norsemen (or Vikings) tried to settle in North America about 600 years before Columbus. They came into contact with Native Americans, known to the Norsemen as Skraelings (meaning aboriginal or native people) who at first were friendly, and trade was established. No one knows why, but soon after settling the Norsemen were attacked by the Skraelings, and after only a year of settling, the Norsemen retreated to the seas and never returned. The Norsemen had metal - swords, shields, armour - and they were beaten back by the passion and fervor of the Native Americans (I believe they were the Inuits, Wabanaki and Beothuks). Bravo.

How Wonderful

Ann Frank supposedly said "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

I don't know what I can do to improve the world... I think I'll start by trying to inspire, or brighten someone's disposition. And I think the simplest way of doing this is to just list some important things in my life right now that I think are awesome and that could maybe inspire someone:

1. Ancient myths and legends - they make me very happy. Especially mythological beasts and cultural tales and lore that deliver messages to its people. Search for these - they are everywhere, in every society and every town - I've always found their messages to help in some way.

2. Your own strengths. It's easy to focus on the negative, but keep your confidence up, even if all around you is crumbling. Someone can remind you that you have good qualities a thousand times, but it won't matter until you yourself realise, just once.

3. Magic. It's taken me a while (and a special person) to realise that there is magic all around us. I know it seems cliché and corny but it truly is everywhere. Every creation, every whisper, every promise, every close call, every feeling - is magic. Everyone's born a believer, but somewhere along the way we forget how to fly, so you've got to try and remember.

4. Elements. This one may be a little weird, but I love fire and water, which obviously makes me quite a mixed up person. I love fire - probably not a great statement to announce on the internet - but it really is beautiful, the way it dances - the way it is uncontrollable. But I'm more of a Water person. I love the feel of water, I love swimming - in crushing oceans or silent lakes - and I love the coldness of it. To be honest I haven't done any reading on this idea of your "being" or personality resembling an element, but I will, and you should certainly think about it - Earth, Air, Fire, Water. And Love for those of us who are movie buffs... but we all have that fifth element.

These four things are really important to me at the moment. I don't know why. But if writing this means someone somewhere might stumble upon this blog and think about it, even for a second, it might improve the world.

Happy Ethan..

A Cold and Broken Hallelujah...

The problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve,

is it gets bumped every time you dance with someone.

Hallelujah Ethan..

"Die Walkure"

Dun da da daaa da

Dun da da daaaa da

Dun da da daaaaa da

Dun da da daaaa

Trusty Wikipedia tells me that the word "Valkyrie" or Valkyrja comes from two Norse words: valr - referring to the slain on the battlefield; and kjosa meaning "to choose".

In Norse legends, the Valkyrie were a host of feminine winged spirits who chose the bravest and most honourable Norse warriors who would be welcomed into the halls of Valhalla. The great chief god Odin would command the Valkyrie to soar over battlefields and gather up the chosen fallen heroes who would be taken away to the great hall, and feast with Odin for eternity.

This is where the iconographical image of wings on shields and helmets becomes synonymous with Vikings and Norsemen.

Apparently in later times, the Norse legends of the Valkyrie transformed the dark wraiths into spritely Amazonian shield-maidens - virgins with golden hair and bright eyes.

There are a couple of love stories associated with the Valkyrie - one where the wife of the lost warrior cried so much and for so long, that the fallen warrior spoke to her, telling her that every tear she shed made his wounds flow. Odin allowed the woman to be reunited with her warrior in Valhalla.

I like that ancient (and apparently) bloodthirsty marauders believed in angels, and everlasting love.

Vor Unn Ethan..

"From Hell, Mr Lusk"

I'm not really a fan of Jack the Ripper. I sort of say I am, but honestly he was probably just an asylum-escaping psychopath who was used by the media to create intrigue and sell newspapers. I am more of a fan of that general time - of that intrigue... even if it was a sordid sort of London. I know there was a lot of disease, and debauchery and despair... but the capes were awesome. And it would be great if it were socially acceptable for me to carry a cane (possibly with a duelling sword inside). But that whole gothic landscape is very interesting.

A shadowy figure walking down a cobblestone alley, surrounded by darkness, smoke and decay; a single lamppost providing enough of a glow so that you can see the figure, but not enough to show any distinctive characteristics - isn't that the purest form of mystery?

Lord Ethan..

Feeling Negative?

Kahli has pushed me into the wonderful world of "Dis-" words. It's amazing how we take them for granted, but if we put a little space in the word, it can evoke a world of new questions. There are the normal ones that are simply a normal, positive word, just with "Dis-" at the front -

Dis.able

Dis.mount

Dis.avow

Dis.invent - Well, actually I think this one is insane. How do you disinvent something? Then how can it be a word?

Dis.appear

But then there are the "Dis-" words that are amazingly interesting and evoke an enormous amount of ideas -

Dis.enchant - Free someone from illusion? Disappoint someone?... Actually "Dis.appoint" is another one.

Dis.cover

Dis.creet

Dis.ease

Dis.embroil - actually that one makes sense but for some reason I like it.

What about Dis.grace? Loss of reputation? Shame? Odd.

Dis.cern

Dis.array - Confuse or dis.organise? But isn't "array" like that anyway?

Dis.favour

Dis.gruntled - Wouldn't "gruntled" be more appropriate?

Dis.combobulate - well that's just a hilarious word for its meaning.

Dis.inter - apparently to dig.

Dis.guise - Isn't a 'guise' a disguise?

Dis.locate

Dispelled

Dis.abuse - persuade someone that their idea or belief is mistaken.

Dis.may

Dis.miss - Fire someone? Won't miss them?

My favourite (well I guess it is similar to dis.enchant or dispelled) is Disillusion...

Dis.illusion

"Disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be."

And why are so many of these "Dis-" words just different ways of making people sad or... WOW this is really hard without using a "Dis-" word... thus proving my point.

Discombobulated Ethan..

"On Letting Go"

I'm not sure if I believe the whole "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't - it never was" thing.

I know that letting go is one of the hardest things. And there is a massive part of me that thinks that maybe success is "largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." But sometimes, you just have to. And if you let something go, yes, it may not come back. But that doesn't mean that they were never yours.

It's just that they aren't yours now.

I know that might suck more, but for a moment there, they were truly yours.

There is that meagre consolation.

Freeing Ethan..

Tick. Tock.

Don't know why I deem this worthy to post, but I just realised that a lot of songs that I really like right now have important lyrics that mention clocks;

You Had Me At Hello - A Day To Remember

I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours,

It's simply radiant, I feel it more with every day that goes by.

And I watch the clock to make my timing just right,

Would it be okay,

Would it be okay,

If I took your breath away?

Konstantine - Something Corporate

And if this is what it takes,

Just to lie with my mistakes,

And live with what I did to you,

And all the hell I put you through.

I always catch the clock its 11.11.

And you want to talk.

It's not hard to dream,

You'll always be my Konstantine.

My Konstantine.

Vegas Skies - The Cab

Say goodnight, our first goodbye,

I've only got forever and forever is fine.

Just take your time.

We'll stop the clock together,

And know that the timing was right.

It's a long way down.

Just fall into place and you'll fall into me.

We'll make it out you'll see.

Cuckoo Ethan..

Purgatory - A Torment. A Process of Cleansing.

I am tossing up whether purgatory or hell would be better. One is certain, one (obviously) unknown. Both have an endless list of pros and cons. I'm not sure which voice to believe. Isn't it funny how uncertainty, and the unknown, can stop us? I flicked through the newest Guinness Book of World Records today and thought about all of the things people have done just to beat someone else's record. But if they didn't know that record existed in the first place, they probably wouldn't have done anything. This idea is pertinent for my life at present.

But then I think that the unknown is exciting - I've always been a bit of an explorer, and one of my two passions in life is learning - so shouldn't the unknown push us into finding out what we can achieve?

But I may be digressing from my original thought;

Is there more pain in purgatory? Knowing at any moment you could be in hell?

Confused Ethan

Apocalypse Now?

I've just been looking into the whole "world's gonna end in 2012" thing. I've always thought that was bullshit. I mean the Mayan calendar just ends every 5,126 years, then it resets. To the Mayans, it was their "Oh man, I have to hang up a new calendar" day. There is no proof whatsoever that the Mayans believed that the world would end on the 21st of December, 2012.

However...

I have recently discovered that during the winter solstice in 2012, the sun will be aligned with the centre of the Milky Way. This will be the first time this has happened in 26,000 years. This means that "whatever energy typically streams to the Earth from the centre of the Milky Way will indeed be disrupted on the 21st of December, 2012, at 11:11 p.m. Universal Time."

I also read that some Archaeologist or Philosopher or General-Academic-Studying-Mayan-Culture person, said that it would be impossible for the Mayans to know that these two events would coincide. Although I can't possibly see how he would know this, it's still pretty awesome.

But why hasn't the world ended every 5,126 years? Or every 26,000 years? Surely, in the billions of years the universe has existed, both of these events have occurred simultaneously. Who are we to think we are so special? I don't think we could possibly have the power to foresee the end of the world.

But I think there is something in this much debated time.

I myself don't think this will be an apocalyptic event. I think it will indeed be a monumental event that will be a turning point for our civilisation - possibly our salvation. Some people believe that this event will bring the world together. Certainly hope so.

Waiting Ethan..

Mayan Story of Creation

I'm interested in a lot of Native American cultures. I don't know why. I think my Dad was always into Cherokees, Mohawks, Lakota, Iroquois and Apaches... actually, pretty much all American Indians. I really like them, especially how they lived in such harmony with the Earth, never taking more than they need, only fighting for honour. That idea of honour is also why I like ancient Japan, but I digress. I've always liked the American Indians, probably the Inuits the most, but I am also interested in the southern cultures like the Aztecs, Incas and Mayans. This interest has inspired me to look into their myths and legends - hence this post. I hope I get it right.

The Mayans believed that there were four gods - a yellow god, a red god, a black god, and a colourless god. They sat in heaven observing the world.

One day, the yellow god suggested that they make a man, someone who could praise the gods, and enjoy the world. The other gods agreed so the yellow god took a lump of yellow clay and sculpted a man. This man was a failure. He could not stand by himself, and when the yellow god placed him in water, he dissolved.

The red god suggested making a man from wood. He carved a man from a branch, and this man seemed a success; he could stand strong, and he floated in water. But then the red god realised that the wooden man burned in fire.

The black god then suggested making a man from gold. This gold man was beautiful - he shone like the sun and reflected the gods' image. This gold man survived the tests of water and fire, and seemed to look more beautiful after these trials. But when the black god touched the gold man, he was cold. He was unable to speak, move, or feel. And he was therefore unable to worship the gods. The gods decided to leave the gold man on the Earth, as he was still beautiful to behold.

The colourless god came forward, and decided to create man from his own flesh. He cut the fingers off his left hand and let them fall to the Earth, where they seemed like ants to the gods.

These fingers became men of flesh, who could speak, and move, and feel. They worshipped the gods and made offerings to them. They filled the hearts of the four gods with joy.

One day, the men of flesh found the man of gold. When they touched him, he was cold. When they spoke to him, he was silent. After some time, the kindness of the men of flesh warmed the heart of the man of gold and he came to life, offering praise and thanks to the gods for the kindness of the men of flesh.

The words of praise from the man of gold made the gods look down on the Earth in delight. They called the man of gold "rich", and the men of flesh "poor". They ordained that the rich should look after the poor, as the rich man would be judged at his death on the basis of how he cared for the poor.

From that day, no rich man could enter heaven unless he was brought there by a poor man.

I like that.

Man of Flesh Ethan..

If I Lived Inside My Own Head

I'd like to meet myself again. I had such a great time. I was a funny sort of guy, medium height, pretty skinny. I made myself feel welcome, even though I'd just met. I was happy and excited, about the most ridiculous and unimportant things; although I couldn't understand what I was talking about, I certainly enjoyed me talking. I talked of travelling the world, on a yacht of wind, drinking from the goblets of ancient Viking kings. And for the life of me, I couldn't believe what I was saying, but I was so passionate, so in love with the idea of an idea. I told myself the wonders of words. I blew my mind. I could tell that I was hurting though. I don't know how I knew. I guess I just know me. I reassured myself - I told myself it'd be alright. And for some reason I can't explain, hearing me say that really helped me. Why was I so moved? If I had a second chance with myself, I'd let me know that I had a great time talking, and if I was ever in the neighbourhood, I should drop in for a chat again. I hope I do.

I, Ethan..

Sincerely Me

I've always been told that I'm a genuine person. I'm very thankful of that but I just see myself as a very simple person - what you see is what you get. And although it might take "Are you ok?" and then an "Are you sure?" to get thoughts and feelings out of me, they don't usually last too long inside anyway.

Lately I've been trying to be someone I'm not, act like what someone might want instead of who I am, and it's really just made things worse. In the words of the great Bryan Adams - Please forgive me, I know not what I do, please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.

Just Ethan..

Where I Am Now.

Vegas Skies by The Cab

It's twelve o'clock and I need your attention

It's like the alcohol making my head spin

Your scent is the rum. The room is a bottle

Keeping me hopeless, 'til I wake tomorrow

And if tonight ever makes a difference

The way that I feel, the way that I'll remember it

I'll take this down, until the glass remains

Swallow the words I was meant to say

It's a long drive, back to Vegas skies

So why don't I make one more wrong turn tonight, so

Say goodnight, our first goodbye

I've only got forever and forever is fine

Just take your time

We'll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right

All of these guards they stand tall and defensive

Putting up walls around what was once innocent

They won't let me in but I'm stronger than that

'Cos you stole my eyes and I've never looked back

Girl last night, I forgot to mention

The way that I feel, the way that I'll remember it

When we're this young, we have nothing to lose

Just the clock to beat, and the hand to choose

It's a long drive, back to Vegas skies

So why don't I make one more wrong turn tonight, so

Say goodnight, our first goodbye

I've only got forever and forever is fine

Just take your time

We'll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right

It's a long way down

Just fall into place and you'll fall into me

We'll make it out, you'll see

So say goodnight, our first goodbye

I've only got forever and forever is fine

Just take your time

We'll stop the clock together

Say goodnight, our first goodbye

I've only got forever and forever is fine

Just take your time

We'll stop the clock together

and know that the timing was right

Who Said Safety in Numbers?

Tune in to everyday events,

It's censored information of slim importance;

The stench will outlast religion -

Or become the new one.

A shortcut to apathy and inanity -

Walking cadaverous zombies

Yet hope is not a fallen dream;

There are humans amongst the robots.

The outnumbered, the observant, the heretics,

Who said safety in numbers?

These few are the abnormal, the heteroclite,

The outsiders

But they are not victims, no.

For you see,

You are only a victim if you are noticed.

Light.

I find everything about the world fascinating, yet I am happy to just exist a lot of the time and often take it for granted. It all seems to make sense to me, but at the same time, there are things that I can never comprehend, only appreciate.

For instance, what if everything around me were to simultaneously travel directly away from me at the speed of light? Would that mean I would be standing, or floating in a world of nothing? Would the light bouncing off everything around me (that would usually be captured by my cornea, or iris or whatever) never get to me? So instead I'd be in darkness? Would that mean I would see things if I took a step forward? Would that mean for a split second I would see again?

Confusing Ethan..

A Feast, A Banquet, An Overindulgence.

"Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread." - Richard Wright

I've been having a few confusing problems in my life, and I've always found that the realisation of the answer and resolution, is one of the greatest feelings ever. Your shoulders rise an inch. You breathe easier. You start seeing everything again. You are just happy. And I haven't even fixed my problems yet. But knowing what they are, how I can fix them, and hopefully what the outcome will be, makes me very very happy. I wish I was a wise man so it wouldn't take me this long.

I have also come to the realisation that when I am beset by a problem, I (usually) have three points of view: the head, the heart and the gut.

The heart usually says what you want to hear.

The head usually says what you think the answer is; usually this is what you don't want to hear.

And the gut is the all-knowing actual answer to your problems.

The problem lies in figuring out which voice is which. Sounds simple enough, but sometimes it really isn't. I for one often get my gut and heart confused and my head just complicates matters, usually coming to the wrong conclusions by focussing on the wrong facts. But that's why life is interesting. If it wasn't complicated, it'd be a really boring place to be.

And if this was a boring life, and I were a solipsist - I'd be a sadist.

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Eureka Ethan..

"A Humble Admiration of the Illimitable Superior Spirit"

- A great quote from Einstein.

I was thinking about religion. I often think about religion and it always makes my head throb. I am definitely not the most knowledgeable theologian, (<- one of Ethan's legendary understatements) and therefore I could be peeing into a beehive, but I can not understand religion. I completely understand belief. I believe in many things. I just don't understand religion. Why must people latch on to others and affect each other's beliefs and try to convince others that their beliefs are the 'right' ones? Why must people condemn others for believing different things? Sometimes I get annoyed at people when they try to talk to me about religion, and I think I've just realised why...

It is this thought of condemning others for believing something different that is a 'Newer Testament' to religion's shortcomings. I really can't understand how some religions think this way - especially the religions that believe that Jesus existed and was the son of God. As I understand it, Jesus was crucified because he believed he was the son of God, which made the Romans that were in power feel threatened that Jesus believed something different from them. Even Pontius Pilate thought it was a ridiculous excuse to punish someone. I mean, he knew it was wrong, he felt he couldn't do anything about it, so he washed his hands of it - and it's in the bible - why won't people believe that sentiment when some religions believe every little thing that is said in the bible?

How can some religions condemn others for believing in something different, when so many religions were built on Jesus believing something different from those around him?

Believe what you want to believe. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do.

If you're not hurting anyone - live how you want to live. And accept others for living theirs the way they want to.

Hopeful Ethan..

"Comes Nearer to Vital Truth Than History"

I like words. I like beautiful phrases that evoke imagery. I like how music and lyrics work together to affect each individual. But what I like more, is the fact that poetry is a never-ending argument. There are so many interpretations of so few words, and no way of definitively proving your point. Every person's interpretation is only inspired by the words, and really the interpretation is shaped by the person themselves. So who is reading? The person? Or the lyric?

I think so too.

Confusing Ethan..

Red.

Watching, these sentinels

Everlasting, evil, knowing

Eyes are searching

Hands are clutching

I'll stop before they do.

These shadows hide stories

There is no light to show them

But unlike these secrets,

The shadows can't hide me;

The sentinels will find me.

I dive deeper

To no avail.

Red is the first colour lost.

They're spying after me

Stalking, always. Me.

Unblinking, staring

Piercing darkness, chasing

Moving with me;

Always against me.

The static silence descends...

It's time to stop running

It's time to turn, wait

Face these demons I've made.

I've stopped,

Inhale,

Close your eyes...

Please let it be their turn.

...Set It Free

"The Salvation of the Free"

On one of my many tangents that my mind wanders I was thinking about Buddhism (I believe my thoughts were initially on the song Heart-Shaped Box) and I realised that I had no idea what the difference between enlightenment and nirvana was. I thought enlightenment was the journey to the eternal peace that is nirvana. I found a website that explained the meanings of the terms, and I couldn't express it more beautifully than Kusala Bhikshu did;

Nirvana - The End of Suffering, in this life and all future lives.

Enlightenment - The Wisdom of Emptiness.

Buddhists believe that everything is interconnected, and no one thing can exist independently. I have no idea why I find this so beautiful; I just do.

Enlightened Ethan..

Knowledge is a Powerful Thing

My Unicorn

I saw my unicorn today. Well, when I say that, I mean I saw a unicorn. By definition a unicorn can never be someone’s.

She was quiet, still. Beautiful. It seemed like there was nothing around her; she was everything.

I went and sat nearby – close enough to feel I was with her, far enough so I wouldn’t scare her.

A unicorn has this mysterious ability to take all of your confidence, leaving you standing in a suit of jagged insecurities.

You want to stride up and hug a unicorn, hold her close and never let go. But you might scare her away.

I don’t think she noticed me.

She remained, content in what she was doing, content without me.

Unicorns are the most beautiful, purest creatures in the world – I could feel it, despite the distance between us. You’ll discover this, when you find your unicorn.

She came close to me, nudged me;

That explosion of colour and light inside my skin told me what I thought all along.

I froze.

I’d wrestled bears, fought witches, dived head-first into black pits of oblivion – but it was safe to say, now is the most scared I’ve been in my life.

For you see, unicorns are solitary creatures. They gallop around the meadows of faraway unnamed; they quietly ponder life and love, without an expression to hold on to.

Like all fools taken by the magic of a unicorn, I want to be with her forever. But maybe she is a true unicorn. Maybe I can only ride with her for so long, before she goes somewhere I can’t, or worse, decides she doesn’t want a travel companion – then I’ll have to go back to traipsing through caverns and valleys, striving to find the beauty in everything again.

But how can I, when the beauty of my unicorn overshadows all.

If our travels should end, and I must walk that path again, while she is off in the meadows of faraway unnamed, I can find some consolation;

She was my unicorn once.

Love Ethan..

My Forlorn Hope

In medieval times, during the siege of a castle, when the catapult or trebuchet or cannon or mining or stealth or subterfuge and treachery would weaken or crumble the enemy's defences, a small force of volunteers would attack the opening, with the knowledge that most would die, a lucky few wounded.

These men were called the 'Forlorn Hope'.

Most volunteered for self-promotion, for if they survived, they'd get a large amount of the captured booty, and the prestige of being the lucky few living Forlorn Hope.

I can't decide whether this is a sad example of society's reliance and yearning for money and power, or simply a brave act by selfless men who probably didn't have much going for them at the time.

To be honest if I was somehow in that situation I would feel like I would be encouraged to be a Forlorn Hope. I don't think I'm brave, but I don't think I'd have as much to lose as the other people around me. Most would have families and wives and pets and promises waiting for them at home. I'm not really sad about that though it's just where I am right now. My Forlorn Hope is to have a family and a wife who loves me one day. There's not much left to do but put my head down and run towards the light. If I make it, I'll have more riches than any Forlorn Hope before me.

Wishful Ethan..

"Ozymandias"

This world is full of beauty,

Even on a bus devoid of colour,

Driving on an ashen motorway.

The neon skyline is beautiful.

Twinkle and fall but burn bright,

The majesty, the full moon,

Smiles unblinking, down on ours;

The monument to technology.

I pity those who can't see it,

More those who won't;

Flowers of light and dark,

Criss-crossing the night sky.

We have day and late evening.

Night is for hunting,

but there is no night.

We have only day and late evening.

And our monuments to technology,

Until the sand and earth reclaim

What was theirs all along.

Attempting-to-be-Poetic Ethan..

Hakuna Mutata

I can't think of a meaning for life, for all that is around me. I once thought about the theory of Solipsism, which (I believe) says that I am the only thing known to exist - all others and everything around me could simply be a construction that I have created. I like thinking that. It means all the crap people around the place are just there to make my life interesting. And it makes me appreciate the important people in my universe. But did I create both? So really I'm just appreciating myself, and disliking myself? But I digress.

I can't think of a meaning for life. But there are so many things and people around me that make me so happy. I guess I don't need a meaning for life. What's wrong with just enjoying being in the world?

In the same way, I'm not afraid of death. But maybe I am. I guess I've never been in a situation where I thought I could die. Well, a couple. But selfishly I think that I've lived my life exactly how I wanted to - I've done my best to just be a good person - I'm nowhere near perfect and am happy that way - and selfishly I (would like to) think that people would be sad that I had died, but I might see them again, and the time I spent with them was so awesome that I know no one is as lucky as I.

I like telling the people I love that I love them. I want the important people (even if I have created them) to know that they are important. I hope they all know that.

If I should die tomorrow (which is highly unlikely as I don't think I'll be leaving the house with all my study) I hope someone finds this blog, and knows that I was happy. In every way. Thank you everyone in the world. (Even if I created you :-))

Content Ethan..

Are We There Yet?

The universe is just a ridiculous place. It's amazing how we've thought about, figured out, but still have no idea about so many things. Tribes thought there was nothing outside their forest; townsfolk thought there was nothing outside their country; explorers thought there was nothing beyond the ocean; and now we have no idea about the universe around us. How does it stay together? Is it a giant sphere like a planet, holding us all in place? Then what is outside of that? These are the questions that I think about when I should be thinking about more pressing matters at hand, but like the Dragons, I just can't stop thinking about it.

Musing Ethan..

Trash McSweeney

Vocalist/guitar for Brisbane band (now in America somewhere, I believe) The Red Paintings - Trash McSweeney had a violent seizure in 1999 and as a result developed synaesthesia.

Couldn't find synaesthesia (or synesthesia) in any of my dictionaries but the Free Online Dictionary by Farlex defines Synaesthesia as -

the subjective sensation of a sense other than the one being stimulated. For example, a sound may evoke sensations of colour.

This means that when Trash writes music he's really seeing colour and can almost paint a picture in his mind. Although the seizure nearly killed him, it did give him the amazing ability to create beautiful music. Our world is a funny old place ay?

And whether this is in fact true or just a committed fabrication, the band really do make great music.

Check 'em out.

Quiet Ethan..

Life Is Awesome

I have seen a lot of people sporting slogans along the lines of "Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder."

No.

You are surely a fool if you think that. Life is awesome. It makes me angry when people I love die or go through truly terrible times and remain happy, and stupid people do nothing but complain about their lives.

I feel better now. Thank you blog.

Angry Ethan..

Ed Hardy

http://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/

Had to share. Especially because of the picture of Ed Hardy shirts at the top. Actually, hoping that wasn't just some advertisement. Well Ed Hardy shirts should be on the list. I don't understand how something that would have been tacky and publicly-ridiculed two years ago, all of a sudden has seven letters on it and costs a tidy sum.

Anyways - worth a read.

Laughing Ethan..

"The Surest Poison In Time"

I have noticed that I notice more things when I'm hungover. Through the fogginess of post-boozehounding I've found clarity in the world. I'll be on the bus and notice shops I've never seen before; I'll actually pay attention to people in the street and see nice people, families and such; I'll spend an hour thinking surprisingly clearly about some flaw in the universe (usually to no avail but I'm getting closer); and also take time to stare at a leaf that has fallen onto my window ledge.

In this state I usually find the beauty in life and, it's weird, but I usually sort out all of my life's problems on days like this. Just wish it wasn't worth rubbing shoulders with every vapid creature in Brisbane. Maybe it's one of those 'the world evens out', 'I'm getting a lot of negative energy at night and a lot of positive in the morning' sort of things. Oh, and I was wearing a suit - which is always a good thing.

"Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it." - Confucius say.

Enlightened Ethan..

The Greenland Shark

Ok, just one more for today. I want to save some things to write about every now and then so that when nothing's new I won't be a person writing about what they ate. I already know what I ate. I don't need to read it.

The Greenland shark is possibly one of the most awesome things possible. Firstly, it's really the only shark that can live in the cold waters of the arctic circle. It's massive - usually about 8m I believe (24ft to our imperialist friends). It is born with good vision, but after some time a parasite latches onto its eye and begins eating its cornea - leaving it mostly blind. It's skin is toxic, so anything that eats it dies. Except for other Greenland sharks, which can be cannibalistic, and have an immunity to the toxins in the skin. Hmmm, actually apparently it can be eaten if boiled correctly and is a delicacy in Iceland. Sad. Why not just eat Gawd?

Inuits have two legends as to the origin of the Greenland shark;

1 - It's high urea content in the skin (making it poisonous) created the legend that a woman soaked her clothes in urine and went down to the seaside to wash them, she lost the clothes and they formed the shark. (Or the pee-soaked clothes did create the shark and therefore the legend created the high urea content in the skin?)

2 - A young girl was being drowned by her father and he cut off her fingers which became the salmon, walrus, seal, whale and greenland shark.

Either way this truly awesome creature has the legendary origin of piss-stained clothes or child-slaughter. Sorry Greenland sharks.

Truly Fascinated Ethan..

Dragons

I can't get the idea of Dragons out of my head. Ever since I was little. Where the hell did they come from? Every other mythic creature is just a simple transference from another known creature;

The Giant - a large man?

The Cyclops - a one-eyed large man?

Pheonix - Bird on fire?

Goblin - well goblins and orcs are pretty awesome but they really are just dirty, evil things.

Fairy - small person with wings?

Centaur - half man, half horse?

Minotaur - half man, half bull?

Griffin - half eagle, half lion?

Ok I think you get my meaning. My point is, where the hell did Dragons come from? Are they just a massive lizard with the wings of a bat? Oh and they have horns. Oh and massive teeth. Oh and steel-like scales. Oh and they breathe fire. Oh and they are magic. Oh and they protect castles. And I honestly don't have much backing in this statement, but, haven't they been prevalent in many ancient cultures' art?

I come to the conclusion that Dragons exist/existed. And the Loch Ness Creature. She exists too.

Legendary Ethan..

Charlie Chaplin "Everything A Contradiction"

Frederick Tampland wove the lace into the final eyelet, tying the two threads together to tighten his navy blue vest. He cradled his cane under his arm and slid his gleaming black top hot onto his head, smoothing back his sleek blonde hair. After looking at the handsome gentleman in the mirror from a number of different angles he let his cane slip down to his fingers, and used his other hand to grasp the edge of his shiny black top hat and slide his finger across the brim.

"Successful. Handsome. Confident. Respectable."

With his usual morning pep talk complete, Frederick strode from his bedroom, down the single flight of stairs, taking special care to skip the broken step, through the front door and out into the world.

***

Being the first Monday of the month, Frederick knew Mr Summers from upstairs will be coming down to have his scheduled check-up of Frederick's performance. He heard the offices outside become silent - one by one - as if a blanket was being drawn across the building, muffling every sound, getting closer.

"Frederick."

"Mr. Summers." Frederick rose from behind his desk, bumping his knee into the side of desk. This caused both pain and Frederick's stationery to roll off the edge to land at Mr. Summers' feet.

Both men looked down at the pencils for a moment, before looking at each other, sharing an awkward silence. Mr. Summers glanced at Frederick's gleaming top hat resting on the designated pole placed directly to the right of his desk.

"Hmmm...."

"Yes, Mr. Summers sir?"

Mr. Summers placed his dark grey top hat on Frederick's desk, then leaned forward and rested his hands next to it.

"Bad news, I'm afraid Frederick."

***

The job-hunt had not been kind to Frederick. For months he had scoured countless corporations promoting his talents. When that failed he sought out labour employment and even begged for the less-than-prestigious position of waste-collector. Unfortunately he was deemed to be "over-qualified".

Frederick sold his house to pay off the debts he had accumulated from his short time in the upper-middle class. He slept in the dark alleys of the city he once held acclaim. One day Lord Summers passed by and stopped when he recognised the fallen body of his colleague. The Lord tipped his shiny black top hat, the very top hat that Frederick was forced to leave behind, and walked out from the alley, out into the main street. Out into the world. Spinning his silver cane as he went.